If baby talk hurts, speak up and let your friends know

It took every bit of restraint for Jill to hold her tongue. Honestly, if there was a way she could leave without making a scene she would. How could her friends not know it was torture for her to listen to their “adorable baby” stories? They all knew her last fertility treatment was unsuccessful. Was it really necessary for them to complain about morning sickness and screaming babies in her presence? How could they be so insensitive?

People who have not dealt with the heightened anticipation and dashed hopes that characterize the world of infertility treatments may not understand the complicated depth of feelings involved. To make matters worse, there are even some misguided folks who may seem judgmental, and imply that perhaps you might have had something to do with it by postponing parenthood to promote your career, or by working or exercising too hard. Or, others may feel you shouldn’t be so sensitive or doubtful, because your “negativity” will only make things worse. Well-meaning friends and acquaintances may take the liberty of offering you advice and “old wives’ tales,” even when you prefer to keep things private.

Most people are not deliberately cruel when they speak inappropriately in your presence. Most of the time, they’re just not putting themselves in your shoes, and would even feel mortified if the offense were brought to their attention. Sometimes when we keep our struggles to ourselves, our friends erroneously assume we’re comfortable hearing every detail of their good news.

When you’re not in a good place, you may worry that your friends who are pregnant or already parents will move on in their lives and have less in common with you. You may believe it’s necessary to hold back your feelings because, otherwise, they will think you are being mean-spirited or petty. It becomes uncomfortable to lamely make excuses or avoid them without an explanation.

So the question is, do you take the plunge and directly tell the friend what you’re feeling? It’s usually preferable to do so. Sometimes it’s just a matter of bringing it to their attention to make the difference.

You may prefer to have a private conversation with an important friend, confiding just how difficult this has been. It may help to own the discomfort by saying: “Tara, you know how much I’ve valued our friendship, but lately, it’s been feeling uncomfortable. I really want to be excited for you and hear all about your toddler’s latest antics. I guess I’m just preoccupied with what I’m going through and have trouble listening. I hope you understand.”

This conversation highlights that even though you’re both in different situations, you’d like to be a supportive friend. You’re just not emotionally in a comfortable place to do so the way you’d like. Of course your discussion will be dictated by your history and shared experiences with this friend. If you feel safe enough to confide in her, she may value the confidence, and prove to be a source of sensitivity and support.

We look to our friendships to offer us camaraderie and ease. Sometimes, we may need to ask ourselves whether the interactions are continually hurtful and harmful to our self-esteem. If over time the relationships are stressful, it may be necessary to limit our involvement, take a temporary “break” or, in some unfortunate cases, sever the ties. Of course, taking any of these steps may be painful or awkward because of a long history or shared circle of friends. It may be preferable to hold off making irreparable decisions while in a vulnerable place.

Infertility can be a very isolating, frightening experience and you may not be ready to open up to others, especially if it seems like their lives are working out much better than yours. If you are a person who loves to plan each step of your life, not being in control of the outcome brings frustration and tears.

Your self-esteem may take a hit as you fight unwelcome feelings of jealousy, resentment and despair. You may worry that you and your partner do not have the emotional reserves to handle the stresses.

Remaining hopeful and open to gratifying outcomes is a valuable goal. Finding a support network of others who are sharing similar struggles may be a source of tremendous comfort and encouragement. ¦

Linda Lipshutz, M. S., LCSW, is a psychotherapist serving individuals, couples and families. A Palm Beach Gardens resident, she holds degrees from Cornell and Columbia and trained at the Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy in Manhattan. She can be reached in her Gardens office at 630- 2827, or at palmbeachfamilytherapy.com.